Four Words After Sex

I found this one as a hashtag on Twitter, and I was laughing. So here is the best of the best of what you are supposed to say after sex.

Keep the noise down! (Complaining by the neighbors)
Your mother was better.
Now, where’s your sister?
Is your brother bigger?

Make me a sandwich.
Where did it land?
You swallowed all that?
How’s that sandwich comin’?

So, did you cum?
What’s your name again?
Wait … Who are you?
But you’re my brother.

Are you done yet?
Get off of me.
Time to roll up.
Now I can sleep.
Shut up and sleep!

You can leave now.
Where’d the condom go?
I didn’t wear one.
Why you still here?

Well, that was … different.
Will you untie me?
Are you done shaking?
Where’s my leg gone? (If you’re Heather Mills)

Jagger, I am pregnant. (If you’re Mick Jagger)
Who’s next in line?
My vagina just yawned.
So, it is over?

I’ve turned straight now. (If you’re gay)
I’ve turned gay now. (If you’re straight)
Do you take cash?
Do you accept checks?
Thanks for that. Next! (If you’re Tiger Woods)

Let’s see other people.
Don’t tell your dad.
Don’t tell my wife.
Have fun at school.

See you next week.
Don’t leak on me.
My tights were on.
Your cab is here.

Acquired immune deficiency syndrome?
I owe how much?
Good job, kiddo … really.
Do virgins taste better?

Sorry about your eye.
Get that looked at.
Okay everyone, group photo.
You itching as well?

Oh no, you didn’t
So, uhm … now what?
What is that smell?
Dude, are you crying?
You laughing at me?

You almost drowned me.
Out the ass, officer.
You look so pissed.
Sorry, wrong hotel room.

You have already finished?
Better luck next time?
Clean your shit up.
Don’t want to talk.

I forgot my pill.
You’re off the pill?
I’m not done, asshole!
Follow me on Twitter.

Muhaha.

MOVIE REVIEW: Surrogates

If you watch this movie, you will see Bruce Willis with hair on his head.

A movie about robots taking over the humans’ lives – that should be an easy one to entertain the easy-to-entertained people, especially with hints to all the other robot movies, in which robots take over humans’ lives, either they do it voluntarily or the robots start war with the humans. Either it is something in between “I, Robot” or “Terminator”; “Matrix” or “Centennial Man”.
Surrogates is just another one of those movies with a robot theme, with a few stars in the cast, with a story, which could actually be a good one for a change, and with another one of those examples, since Bruce Willis once said not to star in any more action movies. Well, I can’t even remember when he said that.

Surrogates shows, how the humans have the chance for life, only better: They are in control of their own surrogates, machines who poses as the operator, living the life without boundaries, without having fear, without failure, without dying. When a stupid, fat man wants to fuck a hot chick, he can take his younger, sexy surrogate into a club and nail one of the other hot and sexy surrogates. When a machine dies in any way, the operate just goes off-line and can buy another machine. It is a perfect world.
At least as long as the operators start to die with their surrogates, and FBI agent Tom Greer (Bruce Willis) and his partner Peters (Radha Mitchell) want to get the killer, before he starts to kill every human operator behind the surrogates, when he gets to the weapon, who can kill them all at once.

Mr. Alphafreak’s Fan Reaction to Leaked “Lost” Hour

The first hour of the final season of “Lost” was leaked online a couple days before the actual season premiere of ABC. But the reaction of the leaked our is not what industry insiders might have expected.
The Hollywood Reporter got a nice article about that topic, but I think I have to say a bit about it, because I want to colour this blog into the ones of Lost for the next few months, while the last episodes will be aired.

I knew about the leaked hour before the airing on ABC and I was thinking about watching it, so I can prepare for my episode review. It is always better to write a bit, before you actually watch the episode. But what I watched form the very crappy cam-rip were only a few seconds – enough to see Henry Ian Cusick’s name being billed in the credits and Kate hanging around in the trees, and a few seconds of the end of the first hour. Other than that I didn’t have any interest in watching the crappy cam, when the HD airing was waiting around the corner. But I wanted to see some seconds of the episode, and I randomly chose, which parts I would watch for a few seconds and came to the scene with Kate in the trees and the final installment of the episodes, with the characters getting out of Oceanic 815, after landing in LAX. And I thought back then, that was enough for me: No, I don’t watch the complete first hour, because when I watch the full two-hour episode, I get bored during the first half, because I would know what happens. And that would be boring; I need my WTF-fix with all the 81 minutes and not just the half of the episode.
And I would say, most of the fans thought exactly the same. They noticed the leaked episode, but they refused to watch it, so short before the actual season premiere. Why watching something and spoil themselves, when you can have the real fun during the TV airing, together with all the Twitter feeds and how the fans react while watching the episode? I had fun reading all those tweets about Lost, when the episode aired at the East coast.
And the other thing is, I don’t watch cam rips anymore. Just too bad. The last one I watched was The Incredible Hulk, and it just sucked to not understand anything, because of the bad audio.

By the way: I watched the full four minutes of the leaked opening scene of the premiere episode, but just to know how the explosion of the H-bomb worked out, because I knew that would be revealed in the very first scene (and I – like the rest of the Lost community – was right about my theories in my head).

Hummpy: Comedy on YouTube

Something I found on YouTube. And laughed about it through the videos they put online.

Better than the sketches on Saturday Night Live, and definitely some talented guys are standing behind this project called “Hummpy” (at least this is their YouTube channel name). This is comedy on a little stage, mostly R rated, sometimes gross and disgusting, but always hilarious. These guys managed to bring myself watching their videos for, like, an hour or so.
Hilarious stuff; Lorne Michaels, maybe you should give these guys a call.
For more sketches, click yourself through their YouTube channel: youtube.com/user/hummpy

MOVIE REVIEW: Run! Bitch Run!

Hahaha - I LOL'd

I LOL’d at the trailer – it was super hilarious. I was expecting the most shitty film I can laugh to, because it’s so shitty. When a trailer tells me I get bitches ball deep in violence, blood, forbidden love and sex, sex, sex, I HAVE to watch this flick, no matter what.
When I randomly saw the trailer for the first time, I looked up the movie, got it, watched it the same night. And – oh my God – this movie was pure crap. It was so bad, “Run! Bitch Run!” doesn’t even deserve to be mentioned in this blog. But because of the super-hilarious trailer, I will mention it anyway.

So, what’s the story? Two very attractive Catholic School girls go door-to-door selling bibles and other religious junk. Eventually they knock on the wrong door and shit goes down. “I’ll have a Big Mac, large fry and 45 minutes of rape please.” Without giving too much away, one (or two) of the girls survive these extracurricular activities and then its REVENGE TIME all the way bitches! That’s the whole plot and that’s all it needs to be.

LOST: LA X – The Rewatch

I had some thoughts about the episode during the second time around, and when I was reading some other theories and reviews from the episode. I was already planning on doing another post, so I could keep the overview of everything what is happening (after all: It really helps to write everything down you see in Lost, otherwise you don’t get all the connections, clues and so on – I could pretty much say for myself, I wasn’t confused during the season premiere “LA X”).
I rewatched it two times already, and I think I will rewatch it for a third time, before I get to the next episode “What Kate Does” on Tuesday.

What follows now are points I either missed during the first watch, or was too lazy to put it into my episode review (e.g. the thing about Sayid in the spring; I wanted to mention it, but I kinda forgot…). Either these are interesting facts, or annoying bloopers/continuity problems. It is highly possible I still forget something, but I was thinking about the episode for days now, and I can’t think of anymore I mentioned below.

Blog Series: Abroad (Episode 24: Believing in Vancouver)

Today I was working for an Asian guy, who didn’t look like an Asian, but spoke like one (of course I didn’t recognize the language, but it didn’t sound Korean – I can recognize Korean now, thanks to LOST). During the 30-minute drive to the American border (i worked there somewhere, but I didn’t see the border), he told me stories about him being a Christ, believing in God, praying regularly. Meanwhile the radio was on and some Christ channel was running, all with prayers and stories from the bible and so on.
This was one of those time, where I see that people from Vancouver are Christs and believe in God. I see people running around with a bible; everybody in the Salvation Army seems to pray every once in a while and there are a lot of get-togethers, in which believers talk about stuff, mostly about their dark past.
Yeah, I see that mainly former drug addicts and jail inmates found their way to God, which I find pretty awesome – kinda. If I would knew parts of the bible, maybe I would find that really awesome, but I don’t have any connections with religion, Jesus and God.
I could be a declared atheist, but why should I? it is already enough to not believe in God, and I don’t have any problems with other fellas believing in God. Though it can be annoying, when an Asian guy besides me talks about God for 30 minutes – which goes into my left ear, and goes right out of my right ear. I nod my head, say “Yes” and “Aha”, but i Forget most of it after a matter of minutes.
But I see more and more people, who believe in God, and I didn’t notice that before. Could it be that Vancouver is one of the “believing” cities in the world? I have no clue…

By the way: When the Asian guy was driving me back home, he played some Jesus songs in his CD player. Yeah, inwardly I was annoyed, but I don’t say anything. And better than “Natalie’s Rap” from Natalie Portman is every Jesus song – who knows, how many believers fall off their chairs, when they listen to that song…

American Idol 9.07: Denver Auditions

"Bikini Boy" is looking for the judges. They disappeared.

The producers of American Idol reached new heights in the mile-high city, as season nine takes Denver, Colorado, as the next place for the auditions in this season.
So, buckle up to see, hear and live through all the tension, the terrible and the talent.
Rejoining the judges as a guest judge is Victoria Beckham. Great, another one of those “non-speaking” judges, who don’t have anything to say, because they are way miscast for the position as a judge.

28-year-old Mark Labriola is the first contestant to sing in front of the judges, but before he could do that, he told some things about his life. Obviously, the judges were still awake and interested in the contestants, so Mark told stories about his mother, how he was on the run for six years, together with his mom – practically, Mark was kinda a “fugitive”. And when Mark started to talk about his child, it really got off-topic, and he couldn’t start singing “Tempted”.
Well, after a few hours, Mark could audition. After that, Victoria was surprised about the audition, Simon was happy for Mark to tell the truth about his life, Randy and Kara said “Yes”, Simon is confused about Mark’s story, and he gets the golden ticket to Hollywood.

LOST 6.01/02: LA X

Think about a cool line here, because nothing comes in my head at the moment...

Oh my fucking God, I don’t even know where to start.
I didn’t even know how good it feels to watch a Lost episode you didn’t know (rewatches can suck ass sometimes, when you don’t see anything new), and I didn’t know anymore how to feel, when you screaming “What the fuck?” all the time – I was doing that every four, five minutes. WTF? What the hell? Seriously? OMG. Oh shit. Fucking cool. Waaaah. OMFG. WTF? WTF? OMG. WTH? Waah. It can’t be. I knew it. WTF? Shit. Waah.
And so on… That’s how I felt during the first 82 minutes of the final season. And it was a great feeling. Hell fucking yes, Lost is back. And how it came back.

I saw the first four minutes a week ago, when ABC send away 815 USB drives with the first scene of the new episode during a contest. When I saw that, I knew what was going to happen in this season, and what the new storytelling will be: We see two different timelines.
Short version: The hydrogen bomb went off, and Jack’s plan worked – history is changed. But on the other hand: The life for the survivors goes on on the island, while we are seeing, what happened, when Oceanic 815 landed in LAX.
I will separate this review in various parts, and because of me not being a professional reviewer, those parts won’t be chronological – I am writing what I can remember, what was awesome and what challenged my mind.
So, here we go. Buckle up, bitches, it’s about to get wild…

When I wrote “wild”, I lied.

24 8.06: 9:00 p.m. – 10:00 p.m.

Introducing: Ernst Meier from Germany, who doesn't speak German very good.

OMG, FOX has it with the German language. And it probably started in ABC’s Alias. First the incredibly funny “Wissenschaft Prison” in Fringe, during the first season, and now Jack Bauer starts to have a conversation in German. I am German, and I had to laugh when I watched the scene between Jack and bad boy, speaking in German to each other.
Seriously, I only understood, like, five or six words Kiefer Sutherland was saying here – I needed the subtitles for my own language. WTF?

The sixth hour of this season’s 24 was alright. I am glad to see that the writers continue in slowing down the story, telling some character-based storylines, instead of bringing one action scene after another. This could mean two things: Either the writers listened to the critics on the internet, or FOX gave the producers less money and they have a low budget.
Based on what the writers brought during the last years (especially season six), I believe we have to deal with budget cuts – we don’t even see anything from New York anymore, the story could also play in Los Angeles again…